Keeping with the times…

Random thoughts at random.

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It’s all in the attitude.

I’m a firm believer of the phrase “you get out of something, what you put into it.” I believe it applies to the small stuff. Like your grocery shopping. Your housework. I believe it applies to big things like your work, your relationships, and yourself. I also, and most strongly believe, it applies to what you offer this world as a human being. What do you bring to the table? How do you handle things on a daily basis? What do you do when life throws you a curveball?

One of the things I struggle most often with in this life is negativity. Not so much my own negativity (although I do have my moments) but other peoples’ negativity. Everyday I am so thankful to have my mind. My perspective. My attitude. I’m a naturally positive and upbeat person. Always have been and I always hope to be. I know this is hard for some not so positive people to understand. I’m sure I’ve been called annoying. Over the top. “Too much.” Etc. But that’s just me. I clash with those people in our lives that flock to a negative conclusion. About everything. I try to understand that mind frame, but I find it so difficult. “At least you didn’t”, “On the bright side”, and “In the long run” are often phrases that begin my sentences when talking with friends and family about problems. I automatically take a problem being communicated to me and turn it into a positive. It’s my default, I don’t even have to think about it. I think it’s a combination of my positive mindset and my want to make those I love happy that sets this as my default.

Social media is hard. Oh man is it ever HARD! Facebook is polluted with complaints and negativity every time that news feed refreshes. It can become really hard on the head. When I see complaints about trivial things, I just shake my head and keep on scrolling. I try not to get too involved with it because the negative takes up too much of my head space. I try to share links that are either positive or productive. To get a laugh out of somebody or make a positive change. I try not to get myself involved in conversations that have a negative tone. When I see somebody’s status update complaining about something they’re privileged to be doing in the first place, it always solidifies that I’m lucky to have my mindset. For example: “Holly MacDonald is so sick of waiting in line at the grocery store. WHY don’t they put more cashiers on at rush hour??? UGHHH.” I’m not trying to single any one person out, or make somebody feel bad or stupid for sharing their thoughts. Hey! It’s social media, that’s what it’s all about. Freedom of speech, online, updated constantly. Giver! I’m just sharing some of my perspective too.

Let’s take a look at that potential status update again. “Holly MacDonald is so sick of waiting in line at the grocery store. WHY don’t they put more cashiers on at rush hour??? UGHHH.” I chose this potential update for a few reasons. One because it will be a great facilitator to make my point (hahaha). Two, because the grocery store is not my favorite place and it does challenge my auto-positive default. Firstly one could assume by this status update that you are employed, or at least have an income of some sort as you are able to afford to buy food in the first place. Secondly, you are going to survive because you just purchased food that you are going to eat. Go you! Thirdly, you arrived at the grocery store somehow. Be it your car, public transport, or another person’s car. Another plus! Perhaps you walked, which is wonderful because you have a functioning body that can get you there. Right there alone you have money, transportation, an able body, and access to a whole plethora of food choices. I guess my point is that most of the complaints we make on a daily basis (without even thinking about them) are backed up with a whole SLEW of reasons we should be thanking our lucky stars we are who we are, where we are.

I’ve mentioned that I’m lucky to have an auto-positive default, and I am. But that doesn’t mean everyday is butterflies and rainbows. Absolutely not. The reason I wanted to do this blog post to begin with is because I have been working on my perspective. Trying to look at things the way I looked at that potential status update. You know payday? When you get your paycheck and get excited, and just as quickly become deflated because you have to pay for all your bills and you aren’t left with a whole lot? That’s one time I work at my perspective. I think of all the things I have and how far my life has come and I realize I get to survive, with a lot of luxuries others don’t have, for another two weeks. We are incredibly privileged people and it’s eye opening.

What if your first thoughts of each day consisted of  “Where are we going to find something to eat today?” or “Do we have any water left?” These are real questions, for real people, every single day. We are lucky enough to live in the part of the world that these aren’t usual questions for most on a day to day basis. While we are so privileged in what we have, it has created a horrible side effect. It creates this want for MORE. This need for more things, more money, more material items that just doesn’t seem to have a cap. The computer is never fast enough, the TV never big enough, the home never expensive enough. We are so sheltered from the questions of basic daily survival that we forget what is and isn’t important. This desire for more materialistic things in our lives, creates the negativity that’s all around us. We compare ourselves to others who have things we don’t. We think things like “I wish I had that.” or “why can’t that be me.”  I think about this often when I fall into a state of the “poor me’s” and realize what I’m worried about, has no significance whatsoever in the bigger picture.

Just this week I had a bit of an epiphany after talking to a friend. As you know I’ve been on a bit of an up and down roller coaster with diet and exercise. After hearing about her and her situation I realized that I just have to stop making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, and move my ass. There’s no if ands or buts about it. I need to take control, take responsibility, and own every decision I make everyday. At some point in my life, if I don’t, I won’t be ABLE to anymore and do I want that to happen? No. What can I do today to make all of my tomorrow’s better? What can I put into my body right now that will help me live a healthier happier life? What exercises can I do to feel better, sleep better, and affect my entire life in a positive way? These are real questions that a lot of us ask ourselves each day. And the most moving part about them is we all have the power, ability, and environment around us that allows us to answer these questions correctly. We’re ABLE to change what we don’t like. Able to take control of our lives in any way we want. Whether it’s diet, fitness, career, relationship, whatever – it doesn’t matter. We are smart enough and strong enough to change any of it. We have access to whatever support we need to change whatever we don’t like. And that change begins with an attitude. A positive attitude combined with motivation has no boundaries. Change your attitude, change your life.

Appreciate more. Take for granted less.
Love more. Hate less.
Understand more. Judge less.




Change. It’ll do you good.

As I lay in bed this morning I am so grateful and am feeling so good about starting today. Since my last blog things were looking up (exercising, eating well) then down again (stuffing face, not moving). I hopped on the workout/healthy eating train for a couple of weeks but then Christmas happened, followed by New Years. Before Christmas even started I decided I was going to enjoy myself (stuff my face) in the form of treats and snacks, and deal with the consequences (Holly, in a pile of clothes that don’t fit, bawling) in the new year. Turns out, it’s pretty easy to stuff your face with delicious, bad for you food, when you have a buzz from alcohol for three consecutive days. Yep, I had a great Christmas.

Then New Years rolled around. I also decided I was going to indulge. At this point the wagon had gotten far away from me again (miles) and there was no way I’d catch it with a drink in my hand. I was in the “what’s another night going to hurt?” frame of mind. And indulge I did. I had an awesome night followed by one hell of a hangover New Year’s Day and not once did I take my housecoat off. I also cuddled with kitties, a lot.

Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t have to get up in front of a fitness class and look confident. Maybe I was being a little rebellious after being well behaved the last few Christmas seasons. Either way, I feel pretty liberated in my decisions and know that they helped to bring me to where I am now. One of the things I am going to do more of this year is forgive. Myself and others. For bad decisions. They are already made, nothing can change them. It takes so much more effort to be angry and regretful then it does to forgive. Boo yah!

Enter – CHANGE.

Today is day 4. (Go me!) I began on January 2nd. Yeah yeah. Not the 1st. I was hungover and ate like crap. Anywho – Anyone that says New Years resolutions are made to be broken, can suck it. I figure if you are motivated enough to even have a goal or goals, all the power to you. That’s a great first step. Who cares what time of the year it is? I’m happy to say I have literally cut all the bad food out (bye bye chips and dip) and have worked out each day since. I have been sore (as I type this my lateral muscles in my back are screaming) tired, and cranky. I don’t think I am quite as cranky today – BUT – I am still laying horizontal in bed. (With kitties) Pretty hard to be cranky here! I think a lot of people don’t understand that diet can affect your mood greatly. If you’re consuming a high amount of fat or carbs, and suddenly stop, your body craves that sugar. (GIVE ME ALL THE SUGAR!!) And if you don’t get it, it’s not happy. The good thing is that it does get better pretty quickly, trust me. I had a rough couple days with dancing scotch cookies and skipping donuts in my brain. Not to mention alcohol. If you drink (depending on the person and amount) you have a sort of post drinking depression. This sucks, I know it well, but again, normal. If you’re committed, be patient. These things don’t take long to get easier. Here I am, just 4 days in and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better. Even my complexion is better. The list goes on.

I’m a big Jillian Michaels fan. She’s smart, honest and effective. If I had the money, I would have her train me, hands down. If you don’t know her she’s one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser and she is tough. Very in your face and holds you accountable to what you’ve done or did not do. However, since I do not have that kind of money I’ve been taking in her DVDs since I started. The “30 Day Shred” is what I started with. There’s two levels available and right now I’m on level 1. It’s a workout of strength, cardio, and abdominal intervals. 3 circuits. That’s it! It’s tough, but time efficient. She even says during the workout that you can’t workout for twenty minutes and rest. If you want to workout for only twenty minutes you have to give it your all. I love this part of it. It’s short and quick. I started this last night at 7:30pm and by half past 8:00pm I had packed everything up and felt energized. Honestly I would love to have an hour to workout or go to the gym 5-6 times a week, and if I really wanted to I could. Others I know, simply cannot afford that time. I’m choosing to do shorter at home workouts for now because of my ultimate goal this year – finding balance.

The other DVD I’ve done is another of Jillian Michael’s. It’s called “Yoga Meltdown” and again, there are two levels. It’s a tough starting point (even level 1) but for me, it’s perfect. It combines yoga poses with more movement to elevate the heart rate. There are a lot of very beneficial movements in this workout. Oh! And with both her DVDs there is two demonstrators with her – a modified and advanced. Love that! I did these workouts and while they were tough, they were nowhere near as tough as when I started to workout before Christmas. It is amazing to me that as quickly as you lose endurance and strength, it comes back and stays. Your body remembers. For reals.

And lastly I downloaded her app on my phone. It asks your age, weight, if you’re more focused on weight loss or fitness in general (very important!) and body type. It allows me to track my food intake along with my exercise, and does the math for me. I opted for the free version, however for a small fee it can include recipes, meal plans, a walking/running tracker and I’m sure more. If you’re into using apps, and looking for something to help you along the way, it’s a great tool.

I just realized I sound like I work for the woman. Hey Jillian, we could totally work something out 😉

I woke up feeling great. Stronger. Rested. Inspired. I know I’ve been slacking on the blog end, but when I’m feeling crappy I tend to do that – my apologies followers. I’m so grateful for what I have right now, and what’s to come as well.

Until next time….


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The first week.

After vowing to begin eating better and exercising, I am happy to report that I’ve had a much better last week. I managed to eat relatively well (it’s a huge work in progress) and I worked out on four different occasions. FOUR! I haven’t moved that much in a long time. In the past week I’ve done a few different workouts to try and trigger something I can keep doing on a regular basis. My plan is to keep changing things up to keep myself from getting bored, all while going back to one or two different styles of workout on a regular basis, just so I can measure my progress. The first day, last Sunday, I designed my own workout. I did it in my kitchen on a yoga mat. No excuses right? (Eep!) While changing into my workout gear I attempted to mentally prep myself for the circus act that was about to take place in my home. It wasn’t hard to tell that this workout was going to be incredibly hard. These days, going up a flight of stairs forces me into four minutes of recovery. Nonetheless, I promised you I would do it, so I did it.

I put on my kicks and laid my mat out on the floor. I designed my workout and stared at the words on the page. I was terrified. Terrified to move, terrified to become exhausted, but most of all? I was terrified to acknowledge JUST HOW MUCH I had backslid. Why is getting started so hard after a break away from exercise? Because the facts are there. Cold hard facts. You can’t do what you once did – you just can’t, and you know it. It’s impossible to take a long break, and not have your overall workout affected tremendously. It’s the truth hitting you dead on in the face saying “this is how much strength you’ve lost. this is how much endurance you’ve lost.” And as hard as it was to realize it, I needed it. Did I EVER need it.

I actually surprised myself in the beginning. I had more energy then I thought, and didn’t feel as much pain as I expected. I mean yes I was winded, yes I was sweaty, but all in all not too bad. I plugged away, knocking down sets as best as I could all while taking mental notes of where my strength and endurance were on a bar scale. They were falling much shorter on that scale then before. I just kept reminding myself that I could get it all back again, and feel like I once did – with a little determination, time, and a lot of effort. Then? Then I got to the last set. I thought I had made it, I thought to myself – this is it! One more and I’m laughing! Not very much laughing was had, I’ll tell ya that. I’m not sure if it was my body’s way of saying it was done (I had a bad case of the shakes at this point) or if it was the movement I did at the time, or a sudden dip in blood sugar, but I became really light headed. Heart rate was flying, stomach was turning, and I got to the bathroom just in time to watch the color drain from my face like a set of blinds were being closed. My stomach rolled. That awful stomach turning where you’re about to lose all control and let it go. I laid on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, panting, staring up at the ceiling trying to regain control of my breathing and hopefully get rid of the nausea in my belly. Of course Gavin would worry because at this point I sounded like a wounded animal. From the other side of the door I heard a “uhhh, dear? are you okay?” to which I replied with a zombie like “yeahhhh”. After a few minutes I finally started to feel better and sat up. Grabbed a glass of water and walked around until the lightheaded feeling went away. I stretched myself out all while acknowledging this setback as a step forward. Realizing it wouldn’t be easy right away and remembering that even when I was in shape, and was eating well, that I STILL had those crappy workouts. Those days have always happened and always will – to anyone and everyone. I’ve always done some of my best thinking while stretching. I used to take problems I had, put them in my “workout bank”, and when I completed my workout I’d THEN start to think and sort through them. Almost always I had a more level headed approach on the issue.

So that was the first workout. I did three other workouts aside from that last week. I did one class setting, and two different styles of workout video at home. All went relatively well until I attempted one workout DVD I used to do often. Again I was drawn back into the reality of how much strength I’d lost. I used to breeze through it no problem, and while I was sweaty on my mat and taking more breaks then normal, I admit I felt defeated. I felt like I should just quit and give up. That I just didn’t have the perseverance or determination to get back to where I was. Honestly? If I hadn’t have made this journey of mine public – I think I may have given up at that point. But you guys kept me going. I remembered all your comments, everyone that was wishing me luck, and even a few that were counting on me, and I kept going until the DVD was completed. It wasn’t pretty but I finished it. And that’s something. Just finishing some days is enough.

As I said the diet has been better but it’s a work in progress. I know that I can’t completely take away everything I enjoy. Been there done that, and It turned me into somebody that was TOO strict and too regimented. If you can’t live life and find a good balance of healthy choices and fun, it’s just not worth it. I ate well, exercised and didn’t snack at night. On the weekend I did have a couple beer with friends all while allowing myself some down time. It was a great balance of work and play for the first week. And that’s what this is all about. Balance.

There were ups and there were downs. There will be both ups and downs again.

Until next time….



Fresh start.

So in keeping with my promise of an honest blog – I bring you the ugly truth. The ugly truth is that I have fallen off my fitness wagon. 100 percent. Face first. And landed in a series of delicious meals, cases of beer, and late night pizza over the Summer. I say Summer, but what I really mean is Summer and Fall. Half the year. Yep – 6 months.

This is really hard to just be up front and honest about. It’s really hard for a couple of reasons. Number one of those reasons is because it’s hard to admit mistakes. Hard to take responsibility and own those poor choices. We all know that admitting that we’ve done something wrong isn’t fun. But I am. I fully accept that I fell off the wagon and I know I have the power to change it. I also fully accept that I am a human being, and we make mistakes. I know that I’m not perfect (none of us are) and putting the pressure to be perfect upon yourself, is just an ongoing headache that no Advil can ever fix.

The second and more prominent reason this is so hard, is because just 8 short months ago I was in tip top shape and a fitness instructor. I ate, slept, and breathed fitness and nutrition and spent over two years of my life completely devoted to it. My life was all about that lifestyle and I was wholeheartedly submerged in it. It’s hard to leave that kind of position and have people wondering about you, and how you’re doing when as far as fitness goes – not so well. I was so privileged to work with so many amazing people, but when I run into them these days I’m feeling self conscious about a little extra weight and how tight my pants feel.

So that is why this is hard. You might be reading this and thinking boo-friggin’-hoo woman. Get over yourself and do something about it. Well…I am. That is why I’m here. I’m writing this blog because I hope someone will read it. Someone who will know the truth and know that I’m pledging to make a change. I need to use my muscles again and care more about what I’m putting into my body. It’s been a fun few months, but there’s no question, it’s time to find balance.

And this brings me to a big section. Balance.

To this point you know that I’ve –

1. Stopped exercising entirely. Friggin’ gross.

2. Have made poor diet choices. Knowingly. Stupid.

3. Have gained some weight. I’m not even sure how much. Scales are evil. I don’t care about that number, I care about how I feel and I know I can feel a helluva lot better then this!

4. And I’m not happy about breaking up with exercise.

It’s all true and you know what? I wouldn’t change ANY of it! Allow me to explain.

I have to stress that while I don’t agree with my lack of exercise in my life right now, I also didn’t agree with the surplus of it 8 months ago. Ever heard the phrase that “Too much of anything is a bad thing?” So true. Eight months ago I was slowly becoming a shell of the person I really am. I was working more then any one person should and lost sight of what’s really important. It’s really easy to lose yourself in your work – and I am a self admitted work-a-holic. I am. I like working hard. And when your work is related to fitness – there is a very (and I mean VERY) thin line that we all float on between realistic and un-realistic body image and goals. I can guarantee that almost anybody that’s worked in the fitness industry can attest to the constant pressure you put on yourself to do more, go faster, get stronger. And not only that – anyone that works out! Anyone that doesn’t work out! We’re always putting so much pressure on ourselves. It’s just gotta stop.

While on my 6 month hiatus from fitness I’ve really reconnected with Holly, and who she is. I’ve spent a lot more time with my family. They’re so great. They have so much to do with who I am. It’s been fantastic and will continue to be. You know what’s not fantastic? Seeing your nephew and realizing he grew a couple inches since the last time you saw him. Because you were working. Always. That was the moment I had my reality check and realized I had to change something. People in your life that you love are the most important thing ever. Never lose sight that the time you spend with them is THE single most precious thing in our lives. Hands down.

I’ve also reconnected with some of my hobbies I hadn’t spent any time on in awhile. I’m picking my guitar and singing again, reading again, and blogging. I even made a puzzle. I like having artistic outlets, it’s always been a part of who I am. I had forgotten about those things for awhile, and when I found more time to do them it really re-ignited a lost flame inside me.

And you know what else? Being a human has felt so great. Last year I wouldn’t be able to go to a restaurant without being paranoid about ordering a cheeseburger. Or being caught in a picture with a beer. Now? I can enjoy life and stop fretting over the smallest details. It’s so incredibly liberating to just push the weight off your shoulders, smash it with a huge sledgehammer, and be okay with being a real person. I went straight from being obsessed with diet and exercise, to not even giving it the time of day. But I’m ready for a change. I’m running down the driveway ready to jump back on that wagon. I feel like I needed to totally fall off the wagon to find my balance and get back in the game – but in a manageable, healthy way. I was just SO involved that i needed to break away, take some time, and figure out an appropriate amount of time in my schedule for all the things I love. The people, the hobbies, the time to just breathe and think, all of it. Yes, and even the work.

Tomorrow is my fresh start. The day I start to climb up on the wagon. It’s going to hurt. I’m going to sweat like crazy to catch up for the last 6 months. It’s going to just plain suck. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do – but I’m going to move somehow. On purpose. Just for the sake of moving, making my heart beat, and starting my journey back to healthy. It’s been awhile, but like many others after a fitness drought, I know that the rough start will be just that and will go away pretty quickly. I told you guys so that you would know, and I would know that you know.

Until next time…

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Road rage.

Okay so I may not pass the test for most consistent blogger… but I promise to always be truthful with my posts. Raw, hard, edgy truth. Nah – actually just random shit throughout my life that I deem worthy of conversation. Maybe you’ve never read one of my blog posts before, or maybe you have. If you’re bored just find the “x” at the top of this page and click it. Or if you want to read on, that would be cool too and I would appreciate it. I’ll be straight up. It won’t be pure literature but if anything, you’ll be able to relate to it.

That being said I present to you: road rage. (dun dun dun!!!)

For weeks, and I mean weeks now, I’ve been driving and thinking to myself that I should really do a blog post about those types of road encounters that have the tendency to make our blood boil. And I mean BOIL. What is it about driving that makes us go from “zero to sixty” in two seconds flat? ha! Pun intended! It kept crossing my mind, but then I’d think to myself that I couldn’t simply because of the fear of opening up that can of worms. Well guess what. **ssssss** (That was the sound of the can of worms opening!… no? ok. I thought it was clever.)

We can all agree that as soon as we enter our vehicle, we suddenly become the master jedi of the road. We can do no wrong, and every single move we make behind the wheel is of expert precision and thought. We can drive wayyyyyyyyy better then everyone else on the road – hands down. Now let’s flip this around. Ready to be honest? On the other hand, we can also all admit that we are complete hypocrites behind the wheel. Everything we get angry at others for doing (or not doing), we either do occasionally – or regularly – depending on each individual driver.

Check the below examples and score 1 point for every one that you complain about people doing, and then subtract a point if you do it yourself. Just kidding. You don’t have to keep score. This isn’t an issue of Teen Mag. Or alternatively, you can keep score if you’re a nerd like me who will do it anyway “just because.”

1. You’re driving. You’re in a 50km/hour zone and you get behind somebody that’s ACTUALLY doing 50km/hour. What the hell right? How dare he? You’re agitated, because clearly YOUR desired speed of 58km/hour is a much better, OBVIOUS choice. Gawwdd. WHY on earth is this man going so slow? Could there possibly be anything more awful to happen to you at this moment?! *SIGH*

2. Now? You’re in a 70km/hour zone, and you’re doing a “too cool for school 80km/hour”. Not too fast, not too slow. You’re so level headed and well rounded. Then, when out of nowhere, this car speeds up behind you. He’s tailgating for a bit and then he does the unthinkable. He has the audacity to pass you! Friggg. How embarrassing! Pff. You’re already going 10km OVER the speed limit. Where is HE going that’s so important? Hate to get in his way! What an asshole.

3. How about when in front of you there is someone that’s eating, texting, singing, checking themselves in the mirror, etc. etc. and it’s distracting them. Don’t they realize the light turned green a whole .36 of a second ago?! Don’t they know that you are the only person on the road and MUST get to where you’re going to asap?? It’s of the utmost importance.

4. Signal lights. *rant warning* You’re waiting to make a right turn but you’re stopped at a red light, and if it’s clear, you’re totally legal to make that right turn on that red light. You look to your left and there is a car approaching. It’s a questionable length away from you – one of those “do I have enough time?” situations that you don’t risk and end up waiting a ridiculous amount of time for the car to pass, therefore making you feel like a derp inside the protection of your car. That gap between you is MUCH larger then you thought, but by the time you realize this he really IS too close to pull out. So you wait again… then, at the very last second he decides to gain some common courtesy and turn on his signal light. Jerk! (I see red in this situation. I really do. Let’s step away from the quiz for one second so I can vent. This. drives. me. nuts. This is the one thing on the quiz I can honestly say that I’m not guilty of. A large majority of island drivers do NOT use their signal lights. It’s such a simple, easy step that can avoid accidents and show common courtesy for fellow drivers on the road. If you don’t use your signal lights, can you please start? Pretty please?)

5. Construction zones. Holy F#*K! Nuff said.

Just a small glimpse into what we all know as the wonderful world of driving. While I didn’t like complaining, I do feel better about getting all that off my chest. so thanks for that.

Until next time…

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Where did the other sock go?

Things go places. They disappear. Without explanation.

Starting with the title of this blog. Seriously – where does the other sock go? Can somebody tell me? I feel like the dryer is hungry – and eventually the lint doesn’t cut it, so it eats socks. (gotta do what you gotta do!) But only one sock per pair thinking it’s being all stealthy and we won’t notice. I’m on to you Mr. Dryer. Too bad I have two feet. And I DO notice when I can only house one of them. I feel like the more I’ve learned to pay attention to the dryer, the less my socks disappear. Like it knows I’m watching. (Flash forward ten years to Holly rocking back and forth, watching full dryer cycles while saying “You can’t have them!”)

Another thing that disappears – TUPPERWARE. I don’t understand. You start with a whole array of options. All the perfect sizes. Colors. Shapes even! You’re all like hey! There’s a bread shaped dish I’m going to put my bread in! Everything matches up. Then one day you’re shoving a sandwich into a pressure locked chamber, and you have 19 lids that go with NOTHING! What happens to the Tupperware. And why is there always so many lids? (Spell check just taught me that Tupperware requires a capital T. And also that spell check is two words.)

The nail clippers. These I can usually find – but why do I always put them somewhere different?

My debit card – see nail clippers. I can usually find it, but I shove it in a different pocket/pouch/slot every single time! I think the problem comes from that awkward moment where the cashier is done with me and I’m trying to stuff my card back into my wallet as I grab my coffee. (Not to mention when I pulled the wallet out wrapped in headphones and attached to blistex.) It happens with my cash too – I’ve got 5’s and 10’s just shooting out of my wallet like I can just throw’em around! Why do we freak at that moment? Like the next person is going to completely lose it on you if you take an extra 2 seconds. The worst is when you don’t realize you don’t know where it is until you’re about to pay for something. (Oh you know exactly what I mean.) THAT moment of dread – it’s just got a certain feeling eh? It’s one thing to misplace it and try to find it before you head out somewhere that requires money, but a totally different ballgame when you have to do the search with peoples eyes on you. You get all frantic and fast moving. Check the same spot 4 times out of desperation. It’s then become a game of you proving how big or little an idiot you are!

The TV remote. It goes into a vortex. I just know it. It’s GONE. Like you have checked E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. Couch cushions are off, you’ve even reached into it and touched random crumbs (ew!) and it’s not there. Vanished. Then, as if it came back from a vacation in Mexico, it’s just there. Sitting in the open. On the freakin’ coffee table.

Glasses. These need to be divided into two categories. 1. Reading glasses. If you have these you probably lose them a lot. You’re always taking them off and putting them on. It’s hard to keep track! 2. Full time – your vision just sucks – glasses. This is me. I don’t lose them often as they are on my face constantly. But when I do, screwed. Can’t see to FIND them! I’ve had to ask Gavin quite a few times to help. (While that’s embarassing, not quite so much as the time I was SURE I could fit into the dress a friend had given me, and I got stuck. Seriously couldn’t breathe or get out of the dress on my own. Stuffed myself into it and got stuck. There’s a lot of proud moments in my life.)

Car keys. See nail clippers and debit card. Another thing you can have the tendency to just drop wherever. And you look for them often cause you go places a lot. It’s 10:25.. I have to stop rambling.

Until next time…

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The crazy bitch.

First and foremost I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone with my title. No offense is intended to anyone that may be reading this. In all honesty, the title is about yours truly, me. In my previous blog post, I talked about when “the crazy bitch” inside me makes an appearance. Well today was one of those days. (You’re so pumped to hear about it. I know it.)

DISCLAIMER: This post will be one that women (for the most part) can relate to. Guys (if any of you even read my blog, which I highly doubt) this won’t be of much use to you UNLESS there’s a woman in your life that you just don’t friggin’ understand. A mom, sister, girlfriend – it does not matter. The crazy does not discriminate.

I’m not going to get technical or gross, that’s just downright awkward. There’s no need. We all know there’s a certain time that we all go completely psycho and just. totally. lose it. So from here on out you can assume that’s the “time” I’m referring to and we’ll leave it at that. One thing that bothers me is that anything you ever read or hear about a woman and her hormones is always ripping on the men. Comparing ourselves to them and how “easy” they get it. How “they don’t even know” how bad it is, and how we “wish for just ONE day you’d be a woman”. That’s not what this blog post is. It’s not a gang up on dudes post (although – in the future, if I keep blogging at the rate I am – it WILL happen.) This post is about us and only us. No comparisons, no blame, just being open AND honest about what we all really know. That the crazy starts with us, finishes with us, and it shows no mercy. That it’s all our fault.

So one day you wake up feeling rested. The sun’s out, the sky’s blue, and all is right in the world. (You might even hear the song “What a Wonderful World” in your head.) You’re at work and even that’s going well. You’re productive, engaged, and are looking forward to something. It might be break, lunch, the movie you’re going to, or something coming up on the weekend. Then all of a sudden, like a transfer truck all out punching you in the face, it happens. The crazy creeps up. You feel sad. Wait a minute – you ARE sad. So sad! Eeyore sad. What the flippin’ hell right? What could have possibly happened the last 5 minutes that changed my “I love rainbows” to “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?” (Seriously. We are beyond crazy when those thoughts start.) That isn’t an overstatement at all – ask a woman. You over think every little decision you’re making in the present time. Once in awhile you’ll even get lucky and unlock a WHOLE NEW level of crazy and question a decision you’ve made in the past. It’s foolish. There’s just no control over it. Most of the time you’re miserable and have absolutley no idea why. This happens often – and we are truly stupid because we still take a long time to figure out “what’s wrong with me.” (You know you’ve asked yourself that in your head before. Probably right before you tell yourself “I think I’ll have some ice cream.”) Every time it happens it’s a damn mystery! You can’t figure out what’s wrong with you like it’s some super complex math problem. (Speaking of which, in the 8th grade – one of the first times I became crazy – I cried over a math problem I couldn’t solve. Yep. Right then and there I knew that life was probably going to be a shit show because I was an emotional train wreck.) The very few moments of clarity you DO get, you know why you’re feeling this way (usually for a short period – then forget) but there’s still zilch you can do to fix it.

Thinking back on today I’m not really sure WHY I was so mean. Does anybody else get mean? (The grinch mean.) Mostly with those you’re closest too? I do. I don’t really say mean things so much as I say normal sentences in a mean way. My sweet boyfriend went shopping with me today. Even though he couldn’t find what he wanted, and hardly shopped otherwise, he patiently waited for me in multiple stores. Some purely women’s stores. (When I say multiple… The Boathouse, Winners, Sport Chek, Eclipse, Pseudio, Bootlegger, Smart Set, Dynamite, Clair de Lune, and Bentley.) I know. That’s an extensive list. He sat while I tried things on, gave wicked vague opinions (I don’t even know why I ask), and was an all around good sport about it! At one point I was looking at purses and he said “Yeah, it’d be cool for you to get a new clutch or something.” He even put enthusiasm into it and sounded like he cared while he looked over my shoulder. He was going through wallets at the time and I could tell he was trying to pick one out for me. And do you know what this crazy bitch did? I got mean. (The grinch mean.) I snapped back with a scoff, followed by an over-exaggerated “I don’t even OWN a clutch.” Although the words themselves aren’t overly rude – it was how I said it that was. Awful right? I know it is. He’s a dude. How is he supposed to know that a clutch, wallet, and purse are all different things? Let alone differentiate between them? I would be CONCERNED if he did! Yet – in that moment – nothing he could have said would have been right. I apologized, and he knows I’m currently blogging about how crazy I am so I think he’s satisfied. He also knows I’m on the other side of the crazy at this point and am my usual happy self again. I’m on my 4th white cheddar rice cake and second glass of wine. Yep, things are back to normal.

It gets crazier. Think I’m kidding? Ohhh I wish I were. Here’s your proof. Let’s backtrack a little bit. So it’s Saturday right? A big day. A day where sometimes I will put effort into my appearance (BY CHOICE) and feel pretty okay about it for a few hours. Start to finish, on my own time, my get ready routine is about an hour to an hour 15 minutes. Today was one of those Saturdays. AKA – a big day. I showered, applied the ole make up (more then usual – went a little haywire with the blush and eyeliner, not gonna lie) and dried/straightened my hair. My boyfriend understands how long this takes and usually even makes a point of telling me I look nice when I’m finished. (Which is nice, because after 10 years he still does that – and after 10 years I still do it to hear him say it :)) While this was going on inside there was much to be said about outside. Today was also a solid visit from a post tropical storm. It PISSED rain for hours this afternoon. When I finished getting ready I told Gavin in some “I hate my life” tone that we could leave for the mall. He then decided to be a gentlemen and offer to “pull the car up to the door so you don’t get your hair wet.” I had just finished blow drying AND straightening it right? A total legitimate and sweet gesture. I often complain about taking the time to do my hair and getting it rained on right? All this is true but what he said was apparently really offensive. I lashed back and said something about it not being necessary, I had a hood, and my not being made out of sugar. I said it in that one of a kind “slice some serious reinforced steel” tone. Horrible. And yet at the time I just couldn’t help it.

SO at this point you’re probably thinking of messaging my boyfriend and telling him to get out. (Please don’t do that. I can pay you in donuts.) I can reassure you that the second I came “out of the woods” and became normal again I apologized. He’s also pretty satisfied because he’s watching Dumb and Dumber in the living room (Best movie ever. I could hear the opening music from the living room. It’s when Jim Carey is racing the dog-van around with the pooches in the back and I yelled “IS THAT DUMB AND DUMBER??” Then I felt like  a pro because he answered yes and I’ve seen it that many times that I actually knew what movie it was by just HEARING the opening song. That’s kinda sad.) My boyfriend also knows that right now I’m doing a blog post about how crazy I am. What better way to apologize then to let the whole world know how loyal he is when he puts up with my crazy self?

So the common topic of all my posts – now and forever I’m sure – is food. (it’s my favorite!) Why is it that when you’re crazy, you are literally a bottomless pit? Somebody explain this to me. I think it’s one of those instinct things where our bodies are “preparing for young”. Your stomach’s all like “Whoops! It’s that time. There might be a little person renting this torso out soon – we’d better stock up.” It’s like hangover hungry but so much worse because mentally you feel like a pile of old tires, and physically you usually don’t feel great either. You can eat, and eat, and eat. A normal person would explode but it’s only minutes between stuffing your face sessions. You’ll be looking for some kind of fulfillment you’re positive will be in that (insert go to food item) – only to find that it’s not. Now you’re crazy. No happier. AND feel bigger. Perfect.

I’ll speak (in this wonderful moment of clarity) for all women. We’re sorry. We don’t know how this happens and 9 times out of 10 somebody OTHER then us knows before we do. That’s embarrassing. And to top it all off, there are so many other magical ways we go crazy. I can’t even begin to scratch the surface – we’d be here all night. Plus, my glass of wine is gone and it’s almost 11:30. I’m a rebel.

Until next time…